It has been 5 days since my Father's Birthday. I hadn't had the free time to write an entry for him. I thank God that my Father lives yet another year. I'm sure you guys have read the entry before this. I love my Father and my family a lot. On the day, I recalled an incident which also made me cry every single time I remembered it.
The air was cold and the night was really quiet. Only the TV was on and I was sitting beside my father's bed. Having a corporate insurance, my dad was admitted to a single bed ward. Though sounds nice, but it wasn't close to comfortable. I was sitting on the sofa, gazing through the glass window, overlooking the buildings outside.
My dad and mum was sitting side by side on the side bed. They were whispering something of which I couldn't catch what it was. My brother was sleeping right beside me. I remember the room was gloomy. My dad had to undergo an operation, and being sick before(the one that he was admitted into ICU), his risk was 5 times higher than the usual operation. I convinced my dad to undergo the surgery and I'm certain that it will improve his health.
He turned off the TV and the air was still. No sound was heard, not even a sound of breath. The room was really quiet...
"Ti (A name that my parents call me), come here" My dad said....
"Yes daddy?"
"Come and sit down. Grab a chair will you?"
I followed his intructions and took a chair and sat right in front of him. Beside him was my mum. I couldn't tell what was it all about, but I guessed it wasn't gonna be a fun talk.
My dad took out a notebook and a pen.
He asked me to write down whatever that he's saying. And when he started to talk, I was shocked!
My dad was asking me to write his will. I wasn't prepared for any of this. I looked at my dad, seeking for a truth or perhaps a certainty in his eyes....but it seems he hid it well. I knew he was devastated and I too was devastated.....
All I wanted to do was to hug him and kissed him at that time. I wanted him to say that he will make it out of the surgery. I wanted him to tell me that everything is gonna be fine. That he will walk out one day out of the hospital, and I'd laugh to his jokes. I wanted him to tell me that he'll be there when I graduate from college. I wanted him to promise me that he'll be okay...
But he never did. He kept on talking. And I kept on writing. As I wrote, my heart was broken. It was only days after my eighteenth birthday and that night my dad said "I want you to take care of the family if anything were to happen to me. I want you to be a leader. I want you to guide this family as you did when I was in the ICU. I know you can do it. I know you will do it"
As a child who barely turned 18, I was crying inside. A burden to bear as a leader of a family. How do I even know where to start? My dad once told me that you'll know what to do when you're ready. But am I ready? Will I make it? Will my family prevail if anything were to happen to him?
He's the heart and soul of the family. He's the pillar that we all hang on to. If he's broken, I'll be the one to replace that pillar. But am I strong enough to uphold the burden?
When we were finished, I stood by the glass window and cried. I don't know whether my dad heard me or not but I sure was crying silently. I couldn't count the number of times I cried for my dad. Each time remembering all this could bring me to tears.
I never slept that night. I couldn't. The room was really quiet. Everybody's sleeping but I wasn't. I stood by my father's bed. He was fast asleep.
I examined his face, never wanting to forget his looks if anything were to happen to him. I came up close to him and kissed his forehead. I even hugged him thinking that it could be my last hug for my father. There was this feeling of the uncertainty that really frightens me. Tomorrow is a mystery, and it will forever be that way.
I sat back on the sofa, reminiscing all my sweet memories with my father. As I glanced outside the window, I fell into a deep sober. Will everything be ok tomorrow? That's a question that kept me awake all night long....
The reason I wrote this is to tell you guys what I've been through as an eldest son. It was tough and it never was easy. I'm grateful to Allah S.W.T for giving me this test of faith. For without it, I wouldn't have know the true meaning of family and responsibility.
I am most grateful to Allah S.W.T for giving my father a second chance of living. Syukur Alhamdullilah....
Thursday, 25 February 2010
Friday, 12 February 2010
Kisses for my Father
A year ago :
Pak lan walked into the class with a piece of paper in his hands. He came in and greeted us as we greeted him. He held up the paper and said :
"I want you to do these assignments during your one-month semester break. First assignment, kiss your father in the forehead. Alright, some people might not have the courage to do so, but I'd understand. I, myself couldn't have the courage to kiss my father on the forehead. Only after 10 years I mustered enough courage to do so. However, there was no reaction from him (He chuckled). So, I hope you guys can do it. It's okay if you bail out in the middle of the way. After the holiday, I'll ask each and everyone of you to write about what happened while doing these assignments."
Present day :
Pak Lan entered the class as usual, right on time. He came with a bundle of paper in his hands. Slowly, he called names each and everyone. After that he said :
"This is the essay that I asked you to wrote and I promised that I'd return the essays to their respective owners after a year. And now, I'm keeping my promise. Let me ask you this, do you find it weird to know that you're the one writing this? Would you have enough courage to do the same? Is it what you did was only because of the assignment that I gave to you? Let me give you 10 years and do you think you can the same as you did last year?? It is every father's dream to be kissed by his children. Though he did not express his reaction, but deep down in his heart, he'd feel all the things that he done was worthwhile."
Deep down in my heart, I was thinking. I think it's about time that I tell everyone what happened during the 7th of November till 13th of November. I was absent from college for a week(the week before exams). It's the least that I could do after hiding the truth from everyone.
My dad had this business trip in Laos. He was supposed to be there for just 3 days. I remembered the evening that I called him before his flight depart. We talked and I told him have a safe journey....What I wasn't aware was it could be my last talk with him....
After the third day, he returned to Malaysia. Within 2 hours after reaching home, he got hospitalised immediately. He got pneumonia, pulmonary oedema, lung infection and a major heart attack. He had only minutes left if we weren't hurry...I never stop blaming myself...And I can't find the reason...And till today I'm still blaming myself for it....
I remembered as my father was in the Emergency Room, my mom was sobbing and I couldn't help but to shed tears as well. My dad was half-dying, and my mom couldn't accept that fact. I never stop blaming myself....for not able to do anything...
The doctor is a close friend of mine. She told me that they need to be quick if my father was going to be saved...My dad was immediately warded in the ICU.
That night my world was dark. To tell you the truth, I wasn't afraid of death anymore. I was more afraid of the death of my loved ones rather than the death of my own. Dying seems a lot easier than facing what I had to faced....The uncertainties of the future...
I remembered clearly that as I walked into the ICU room and found my father unconcious....I cried my heart out in front of my mom and my brother. It was the first time ever I cried that hard....It was the first time they saw me crying....I couldn't help it to see my father lying so lifeless on the hospital bed.
I called out his name and there was no reaction. No noding...No shaking...not even a blink....
I walked to his side and bent over to kiss him over the forehead and said "I love you Daddy...Please come back...I need you now more than ever....I need your guidance to guide our family...I need you! Don't go just yet. There's so much I need to talk to you....You promised you'd come back....Please DON'T GO..."
My tears dropped onto his cheek....Somehow, I felt so desperate....I'd sacrifice anything to be with him again....
I returned to KMS because of the 3rd semester exam and it was his 11th day in ICU. I was devastated. I had to return because of the exam but I knew that I never wanted to be away from my family...Not at times like this...
As I step my foot at Gate B, I looked up in the sky and prayed to Allah give me the strength that I needed.
Tomorrow is biology paper. Books laid in front of me but my attention was far away at home. How can I answer tomorrow's paper when my heart is at home??
Suddenly, there was a buzz. My phone vibrated and the screen says "Mummy"..
Cold blood rushed to my face. Chilly fingers dance along my spine....
"Please don't let anything happen" I muttered....
A faint and distinct voice was in the phone....I knew that voice eversince I was a baby. It was my dad's.
I was rejoiced. No words can describe it. Though we could not talk much but I remember a line said by him...
"I fight in a battle for my life, and you fight in a battle for your future. Together we'll win the war"
Somehow those words inspired me and burned me with spirit and hope. I was determined to nail this semester exam eventhough I only had 4 hours every night to study. It was more than enough I told myself that time. I don't even know who am I....It was like a whole different person.
And so, semester 3 ended with 40 points. An achievement that I'd never thought I'd be able to get. I struggled hard to get 39 points in sem 2, but somehow that 4 hours was like a month's preparation.....
Do you know the joy when I told my dad about my semester 3 results? Why is it different from the other sems? Its because I nearly lost someone I hold very dear of. Somehow, I managed to lead my family in times of crisis.....and I still able to make them proud. I want to make my very existence worthwhile to them. I want them to feel proud of me, no matter where they are, or what will be...
Nobody knows how much tears I have shed while writing this post. Nobody will ever understand what it felt when you almost lost someone you hold dear. Perhaps only those who've been through these would understand.
I salute to all fathers in the world today and for the days to come for I had the chance to be like one for a few days. I led my family through times of crisis just as all fathers would do for their family. All this while I thought mothers are the most important person in a family but it turns out fathers are equally important as well.
Sometimes women says nasty things about men, but they had never been through what I've been through. They wouldn't know. They wouldn't know how important men in a family. How men would create order from chaos....How men had to stay calm and show no fear to their families when everything around them is not right...How men would have to be firm and steady when everything is crumbling around them.... So, in the end, I can only chuckle at their foolishness. Silence doesn't mean I'm stupid....
What happened to my father also taught me about hope. I once had the idea that once you're hoping, you put a halt to your efforts and starts to put rely on something else such as miracles to make things happen...
But I realise now the true meaning of hope...
"Hope is not a resignation of mind, but rather a state of mind to gain strength on whatever that we have left, whatever that had happened, whatever that is going to happen. Hope is a way to be free from fear. A man musn't give up hope but rather rely on hope to obtain the best of strengths to be free of fear"
I've learned to hope again...
Pak lan walked into the class with a piece of paper in his hands. He came in and greeted us as we greeted him. He held up the paper and said :
"I want you to do these assignments during your one-month semester break. First assignment, kiss your father in the forehead. Alright, some people might not have the courage to do so, but I'd understand. I, myself couldn't have the courage to kiss my father on the forehead. Only after 10 years I mustered enough courage to do so. However, there was no reaction from him (He chuckled). So, I hope you guys can do it. It's okay if you bail out in the middle of the way. After the holiday, I'll ask each and everyone of you to write about what happened while doing these assignments."
Present day :
Pak Lan entered the class as usual, right on time. He came with a bundle of paper in his hands. Slowly, he called names each and everyone. After that he said :
"This is the essay that I asked you to wrote and I promised that I'd return the essays to their respective owners after a year. And now, I'm keeping my promise. Let me ask you this, do you find it weird to know that you're the one writing this? Would you have enough courage to do the same? Is it what you did was only because of the assignment that I gave to you? Let me give you 10 years and do you think you can the same as you did last year?? It is every father's dream to be kissed by his children. Though he did not express his reaction, but deep down in his heart, he'd feel all the things that he done was worthwhile."
Deep down in my heart, I was thinking. I think it's about time that I tell everyone what happened during the 7th of November till 13th of November. I was absent from college for a week(the week before exams). It's the least that I could do after hiding the truth from everyone.
My dad had this business trip in Laos. He was supposed to be there for just 3 days. I remembered the evening that I called him before his flight depart. We talked and I told him have a safe journey....What I wasn't aware was it could be my last talk with him....
After the third day, he returned to Malaysia. Within 2 hours after reaching home, he got hospitalised immediately. He got pneumonia, pulmonary oedema, lung infection and a major heart attack. He had only minutes left if we weren't hurry...I never stop blaming myself...And I can't find the reason...And till today I'm still blaming myself for it....
I remembered as my father was in the Emergency Room, my mom was sobbing and I couldn't help but to shed tears as well. My dad was half-dying, and my mom couldn't accept that fact. I never stop blaming myself....for not able to do anything...
The doctor is a close friend of mine. She told me that they need to be quick if my father was going to be saved...My dad was immediately warded in the ICU.
That night my world was dark. To tell you the truth, I wasn't afraid of death anymore. I was more afraid of the death of my loved ones rather than the death of my own. Dying seems a lot easier than facing what I had to faced....The uncertainties of the future...
I remembered clearly that as I walked into the ICU room and found my father unconcious....I cried my heart out in front of my mom and my brother. It was the first time ever I cried that hard....It was the first time they saw me crying....I couldn't help it to see my father lying so lifeless on the hospital bed.
I called out his name and there was no reaction. No noding...No shaking...not even a blink....
I walked to his side and bent over to kiss him over the forehead and said "I love you Daddy...Please come back...I need you now more than ever....I need your guidance to guide our family...I need you! Don't go just yet. There's so much I need to talk to you....You promised you'd come back....Please DON'T GO..."
My tears dropped onto his cheek....Somehow, I felt so desperate....I'd sacrifice anything to be with him again....
I returned to KMS because of the 3rd semester exam and it was his 11th day in ICU. I was devastated. I had to return because of the exam but I knew that I never wanted to be away from my family...Not at times like this...
As I step my foot at Gate B, I looked up in the sky and prayed to Allah give me the strength that I needed.
Tomorrow is biology paper. Books laid in front of me but my attention was far away at home. How can I answer tomorrow's paper when my heart is at home??
Suddenly, there was a buzz. My phone vibrated and the screen says "Mummy"..
Cold blood rushed to my face. Chilly fingers dance along my spine....
"Please don't let anything happen" I muttered....
A faint and distinct voice was in the phone....I knew that voice eversince I was a baby. It was my dad's.
I was rejoiced. No words can describe it. Though we could not talk much but I remember a line said by him...
"I fight in a battle for my life, and you fight in a battle for your future. Together we'll win the war"
Somehow those words inspired me and burned me with spirit and hope. I was determined to nail this semester exam eventhough I only had 4 hours every night to study. It was more than enough I told myself that time. I don't even know who am I....It was like a whole different person.
And so, semester 3 ended with 40 points. An achievement that I'd never thought I'd be able to get. I struggled hard to get 39 points in sem 2, but somehow that 4 hours was like a month's preparation.....
Do you know the joy when I told my dad about my semester 3 results? Why is it different from the other sems? Its because I nearly lost someone I hold very dear of. Somehow, I managed to lead my family in times of crisis.....and I still able to make them proud. I want to make my very existence worthwhile to them. I want them to feel proud of me, no matter where they are, or what will be...
Nobody knows how much tears I have shed while writing this post. Nobody will ever understand what it felt when you almost lost someone you hold dear. Perhaps only those who've been through these would understand.
I salute to all fathers in the world today and for the days to come for I had the chance to be like one for a few days. I led my family through times of crisis just as all fathers would do for their family. All this while I thought mothers are the most important person in a family but it turns out fathers are equally important as well.
Sometimes women says nasty things about men, but they had never been through what I've been through. They wouldn't know. They wouldn't know how important men in a family. How men would create order from chaos....How men had to stay calm and show no fear to their families when everything around them is not right...How men would have to be firm and steady when everything is crumbling around them.... So, in the end, I can only chuckle at their foolishness. Silence doesn't mean I'm stupid....
What happened to my father also taught me about hope. I once had the idea that once you're hoping, you put a halt to your efforts and starts to put rely on something else such as miracles to make things happen...
But I realise now the true meaning of hope...
"Hope is not a resignation of mind, but rather a state of mind to gain strength on whatever that we have left, whatever that had happened, whatever that is going to happen. Hope is a way to be free from fear. A man musn't give up hope but rather rely on hope to obtain the best of strengths to be free of fear"
I've learned to hope again...
Saturday, 6 February 2010
Incidents of an Accident...
I was taking a stroll towards the closest store in the neighbourhood. The birds are chipping, cool breeze blowing at my face, and green colour of the trees gave a relaxation that I needed. As I was taking my time to walk, I looked around searching for any presence of cars. Clearly there was none, and I happily crossed the street.
I grab my phone in the pocket and select Music Player and it was playing songs that made my day even better. As I walked, there was a white car coming in fast from the opposite direction. The driver must have been in hurry.
So, judging by the way the driver drove, I stood back trying not to get into the way of the car.
However, as the car passes by, it tried to dodge a parked car across the street. And by that the driver sliced hard left and the car hit me.
I was knocked 5 metres away with blood oozing out of my mouth. I quickly stood up and the driver walked out of the car.
"Sorry! Sorry! Saya tak nampak awak! Telepon 999!"
I stood up but something was wrong. My ribs and legs are damn painful. I collapse instantly...Unable to withstand the pain. I screamed my lungs out.
I needed help! I needed Morphine....
The taste of blood in my mouth is unbearable. I spat out most of the blood, trying not to get choked by my own blood. The driver clearly panicked...
I took a glance at my side and saw my phone was broken into pieces.
I tried to stay conscious but at the rate of the pain, I knew I was going to pass out in just minutes. I did everything to stay awake. I bit my tongue and lips...
My ribs was killing me, I kept putting an arm across it, trying to minimize the pain....
And then....everything went dark....
I grab my phone in the pocket and select Music Player and it was playing songs that made my day even better. As I walked, there was a white car coming in fast from the opposite direction. The driver must have been in hurry.
So, judging by the way the driver drove, I stood back trying not to get into the way of the car.
However, as the car passes by, it tried to dodge a parked car across the street. And by that the driver sliced hard left and the car hit me.
I was knocked 5 metres away with blood oozing out of my mouth. I quickly stood up and the driver walked out of the car.
"Sorry! Sorry! Saya tak nampak awak! Telepon 999!"
I stood up but something was wrong. My ribs and legs are damn painful. I collapse instantly...Unable to withstand the pain. I screamed my lungs out.
I needed help! I needed Morphine....
The taste of blood in my mouth is unbearable. I spat out most of the blood, trying not to get choked by my own blood. The driver clearly panicked...
I took a glance at my side and saw my phone was broken into pieces.
I tried to stay conscious but at the rate of the pain, I knew I was going to pass out in just minutes. I did everything to stay awake. I bit my tongue and lips...
My ribs was killing me, I kept putting an arm across it, trying to minimize the pain....
And then....everything went dark....
Sunday, 31 January 2010
Feeling down...
I can't help myself to feel down...I wonder why is that...Is it because of someone? Or is it because of things that is happening around me?
I have long search for the truth in me, and for once I've found it deep within parts of my heart that isn't opened for a long time. The part of the missing pieces.
Perhaps what I've been feeling these past few days is just a mirage....or just a way for me to run from the truth. I never actually explored the feelings that I had. I'd just played along.....
But now, it has never been more clear than it is...
I have long search for the truth in me, and for once I've found it deep within parts of my heart that isn't opened for a long time. The part of the missing pieces.
Perhaps what I've been feeling these past few days is just a mirage....or just a way for me to run from the truth. I never actually explored the feelings that I had. I'd just played along.....
But now, it has never been more clear than it is...
Saturday, 30 January 2010
Imperfection
We are all an imperfection. Is there anyone disagreeing on this statement? I challenge you to come forward....
The truth is that we are imperfect and we are created this way. How on earth are we claiming that someone's better than you if we all know that each and everyone of us is imperfect? How come his/her flaws is not seen? How come our flaws are obvious to some people?
What we see in others is what we choose it to be. Why someone is seen so perfect but not all of us is seen that way? Why that person is chosen instead of others?
When we are being compared to someone who are better than us....why the need of the moroseness?? Why aren't we grateful that our weakness is being shown to us?
I know it sucks to be compared with someone better than us. It really is....I hate it too, but does that stop me from being who I am?
Being imperfect is what makes us perfect. Our flaws made us different from one another...makes us unique....
We are not for what we are meant to be, but who we were born to be....And we are born to be human. And being human is that we should realise our flaws and accept them....That is the truth of imperfection...
The truth is that we are imperfect and we are created this way. How on earth are we claiming that someone's better than you if we all know that each and everyone of us is imperfect? How come his/her flaws is not seen? How come our flaws are obvious to some people?
What we see in others is what we choose it to be. Why someone is seen so perfect but not all of us is seen that way? Why that person is chosen instead of others?
When we are being compared to someone who are better than us....why the need of the moroseness?? Why aren't we grateful that our weakness is being shown to us?
I know it sucks to be compared with someone better than us. It really is....I hate it too, but does that stop me from being who I am?
Being imperfect is what makes us perfect. Our flaws made us different from one another...makes us unique....
We are not for what we are meant to be, but who we were born to be....And we are born to be human. And being human is that we should realise our flaws and accept them....That is the truth of imperfection...
Sunday, 24 January 2010
Update
It's been a long time since I last update thing blog. About a week....Sorry for not writing anything at all. I'm not well for the past few days... :)
So, what is there to write here today? Let's see...
I had two interviews last week, which was very fun. I bought someone subway...I wanted to gave her a treat, but she insisted on paying.
I got two treats from two different person! :D
Played ping pong and lost 7 sets, win 6 sets....
I played ping pong against Harith (wakil kolej for ping pong)...I lost 11-8, 11-11(2-0), 11-11(2-0)....See! I can actually match up against him :D
I get to know new friends....during interview :D
I went window shopping at KLCC after interview...
Ate at secret recipe in PJ!
Took pictures of a garden of the PJ8 building....
What else did I do last week?? LOL....that pretty much it... :D
So, what is there to write here today? Let's see...
I had two interviews last week, which was very fun. I bought someone subway...I wanted to gave her a treat, but she insisted on paying.
I got two treats from two different person! :D
Played ping pong and lost 7 sets, win 6 sets....
I played ping pong against Harith (wakil kolej for ping pong)...I lost 11-8, 11-11(2-0), 11-11(2-0)....See! I can actually match up against him :D
I get to know new friends....during interview :D
I went window shopping at KLCC after interview...
Ate at secret recipe in PJ!
Took pictures of a garden of the PJ8 building....
What else did I do last week?? LOL....that pretty much it... :D
Sunday, 17 January 2010
The World According to Me...
If one day I was granted the power to change the world, here are some of the lists that I would want to have...
1. The nations combined altogether and form an alliance.
2. The alliance is led by me :P
3. I'll announce that McD, Burger King, and KFC should be under the government's control...so that I can have burgers for free :D :D
4. There would be Subway for every 500m radius in major cities...so that people can enjoy the sumptuous, juicy, mouth-filling sandwiches.
5. Not to mention, every home would get at least 4.0mbps internet connection with 90% packet data transmission. Which means that if you download 1.0 GB file, it'll only take around 5 mins :D :D :D
6. Free lunch toys for kids!! Haha...
7. All militaries personnel are to sworn allegiance to me alone :P
8. I'll have so much luxury cars, that I don't know which one to look at... :P
9. Oh yeah, I'll live the Burj Dubai...
10. Or perhaps the Birmingham Castle would be my new home...
11. About a wife....I'll get to that later :)
12. I would like to build like a dome to cover the whole of Malaysia....and then put on a massive air conditioner, so that it won't be so hot :D :D
13. Oh yeah, I almost forgot...perhaps I'll give KMS some money...since they are really short of it :) :)
14. I'll tranfer the Jews into the North Pole...(Honestly, they're not doing us any good here...just my two cents :D)
15. I think I want to learn how to fly a jet fighter. Or ride a tank!
16. Last of them all....I want to have a happy family to live with....for the rest of my life :)
1. The nations combined altogether and form an alliance.
2. The alliance is led by me :P
3. I'll announce that McD, Burger King, and KFC should be under the government's control...so that I can have burgers for free :D :D
4. There would be Subway for every 500m radius in major cities...so that people can enjoy the sumptuous, juicy, mouth-filling sandwiches.
5. Not to mention, every home would get at least 4.0mbps internet connection with 90% packet data transmission. Which means that if you download 1.0 GB file, it'll only take around 5 mins :D :D :D
6. Free lunch toys for kids!! Haha...
7. All militaries personnel are to sworn allegiance to me alone :P
8. I'll have so much luxury cars, that I don't know which one to look at... :P
9. Oh yeah, I'll live the Burj Dubai...
10. Or perhaps the Birmingham Castle would be my new home...
11. About a wife....I'll get to that later :)
12. I would like to build like a dome to cover the whole of Malaysia....and then put on a massive air conditioner, so that it won't be so hot :D :D
13. Oh yeah, I almost forgot...perhaps I'll give KMS some money...since they are really short of it :) :)
14. I'll tranfer the Jews into the North Pole...(Honestly, they're not doing us any good here...just my two cents :D)
15. I think I want to learn how to fly a jet fighter. Or ride a tank!
16. Last of them all....I want to have a happy family to live with....for the rest of my life :)
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