An inspiring man I met

It's been ages now. But I wanted to share something with you guys. I'm sorry I didn't wrote sooner rather than later. I haven't had the time to write.

I met this man who was taking care of his mother in a ward. He is in his mid 20s, barely older than me. But one look you knew there was a deep feeling in his eyes, thoughts racing in his mind. When I came to the bed where he was sitting beside, he stood up and offered a handshake. Quite unusual for someone his age to be doing that to a man with a labcoat in a hospital. From my experience, they would just stop whatever they're doing and sit helplessly as if a police or someone in authority came.

but he was just.....fearless, I would say. Not that I was being intimidating or anything. I was being friendly.

He asked for my name. And I told him what he asked along with consent.

I saw his mother was too ill to talk but yet she smiled. She smiled even though you could see the effort she has to make, just to smile. I pulled up the curtains and started the history taking. Just few minutes then, the son said...Let's talk someplace else.

So I walked with him to another place, some sort of a lobby you could say. I sat there with him in front of me and we started talking.

We talked about the clinical stuffs first. The timeline of his mother's illness and the treatment she got which I don't want to divulge in here.

In the end, after all that finished... I saw him reluctant to go. Maybe he was just lonely and wants a company. But something in his eyes, I saw there really was something inside. So i asked .. "How do you feel about all this?"

Surprised and shocked. "About all this?"

"Yeah, about your mother in the hospital. I can understand it must be really difficult for you to go through all this. Would you mind talking about how you feel?"

"Wow. Do you really want to know? I didn't think you would ask. No one asked before. Do you have time?"

"All in the world if need be"

All the while I was thinking about his mother and the illness. Running through diagnosis, running through investigations and  management plan. But I've somehow lost the fact that it's more than just all that. Its about people and how they feel.

So we sat and chat. Just chat. No one is better than the other. I'm me and him as him. We were two ordinary people sharing stories with one another.

He told me that his father had passed away just 3 years ago. It was too sudden. His father had lung cancer and passed away when he was sitting for his final exam. He told me that his family changed ever since then.

And now, his mother is going through cancer. Stage 4. Terminal and considering palliative care. Its only a matter of time.

He told me...

"You know, it's not like in the movies. Where a tragedy comes, and you get all sad, crying and gets better after it passes. Or maybe have someone to help you around. It doesn't work like that. In real life, after a while you stop feeling anything. All there is, is just a fact that she's gonna leave me. Me and my brother. Only the two of us."

I can almost hear tears from his voice even when there isn't any coming out from his eyes. It was not sadness but tears. I know it's ridiculous but I felt it, I know it even when I can't prove it. I know he was sad but he just maybe, couldn't bring himself to cry. Maybe because he had enough of crying.

"My mother is very ill. And even in that state, she could bring herself to smile. Why can't I? When she is the one that goes through all the pain of radiotherapy, chemotherapy and battling all that herself. So why can't I smile?"

I talked to him for an hour and a half. We just talk. No notes, no pen. Just talk. Sitting in the lobby just the two of us.

"I'm really glad I met you. I appreciate for letting me talk to you. For sharing you stories with me. I can't say that I've been more inspired by any patient's story than yours." I told him.

"No one really asks me about what you ask. I never met any doctors like you."

"That's because I'm not a doctor yet."

He smiled. I smiled.

I asked him if it is okay for us to meet again in the future. I just wanted to check his mother's condition. And also to see how he's holding up with life.

I supposed we, in the medical health care professional point of view, always think about what we can offer to our patient. Treatment, management etc etc. But we often forget what the patient has to offer to us. Not the fact that they are and will be our bread and butter in the future, but rather how they would teach us in life.

I learned a lot from this man. And it all makes it even more amazing when he's just 3 years older than I am. It feels like he's been through and experience a whole lot more in life. I admire his courage and his view on life itself.

To all doctors and doctors-to-be out there...If any of you are reading this, I'm sure you've been touched by one or more patients before. Let that not die in you. let this be a reminder that they are people and sometimes their family are going through a difficult time and all they need is.....someone to talk to. Spare 5 minutes. That 5 minutes is the difference between a caring doctor and just a doctor.

The Gift of Life : The story of a baby

Hi everyone. I've just finished my paediatrics rotation and now in my obs & Gynae rotation. Things are going pretty well so far. But these two rotations, without me knowing and realising, taught me something about life.

I was in NICU the other day. Stands for Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. Mostly for babies who were born prematurely. So, I was strolling around, mainly observing the other day. Wasn't going to do much. I went on from one cubicle to another watching these small babies sleeping.

But this one baby in his cubicle that got my attention the most. He was born just a few days ago with a birth weight 990gram. That's insanely low. He's about 26 weeks gestational age. He was lying down on his back and looks so small. Got the feeding tube down his throat. And all the wires and fancy gadgets to monitor his vital signs.

What struck me the most was that he opened his eyes and stared at me. At first I was glad he was opening his eyes and make some silly face hoping that he would be entertained. But the longer he stared, the more I felt there was something in his eyes. It wasn't sickness or disease. It was more to that. As if saying or making a statement to me that he's trying his best to make it.

It's like he said "I can do this!"

I stood there for a whole 15 minutes just looking into his eyes. Oh the wonders! That very moment I see a small premature baby, battling all in this world to live on and be someone. And yet, I realised that there are people in this world that just simply throw away their gift of life.

I guess life's unfair. It's unfair for this little baby. But hey! It's not for me to decide what's fair and what's not. I guess we just have to accept it and realise that the good will always be rewarded somehow in the end.

And I've watched a number of times babies being born in this world. Maybe soon I would deliver one myself. Personally I don't feel much when they were born. It's all messy. And noisy I suppose.

What more surreal to me is that when I stand at a corner and looking at a father reciting azan for his child. The happiness was just blooming. Even from his voice you could tell that it was no ordinary azan. It was special. I guess another gift of life that we all have is religion. It's what connected us all in the first place.

I do not know neither the father nor the mother. I've only seen the baby for a few minutes and yet that happiness came to me as if it was meant to be. I can feel that the azan would give me happiness even when it's not my child.

I hope that child knows how precious his gift of life. I hope we all do.

Thank you everyone. For reading. I hope this makes sense to you as it did to me.

Routine

Hi everyone. It seems it has been a very long time since I last update on this blog. I hope there are people out there who are still reading this.

I apologise for not being able to update anything because time is really not my friend right now. Third year in medicine is packed with reading, clinical examination, history taking and more reading. Plus presentations and clerkings. I hope I can find time to write here somehow.

Apparently I'm too sleepy by the end of the day and can't be bothered to do anything. Even then, I still don't get enough sleep. Waking up at 6 am is the usual routine and I go to sleep at 1 - 2 am every night. Just to catch things up. Still, there are so many things to catch up.

Now I'm in my paediatrics rotation. So many cute babies around. Some of them cry, some of them smile. Nevertheless, they are cute in their small figure. There's so many reading in paediatrics. I guess that's why its very exhausting.

I still have presentations to be completed and present them this Friday. Apparently, I'm being assessed every week for presentation. I couldn't care much. I feel free when I don't really give much thought to it. Anyhow, this is just a routine update. Probably will write more if I have better ideas other than just medicine. I hope I'm not boring.

Thanks! See ya!

Lines in an infinite plane

As I stood in the rain and my hair dancing in the wind, I remembered the years behind me. I've met a lot of people. Some I don't mind calling them a friend, some I just couldn't remember (Sorry!). Most importantly, they taught me about friendship. Regardless of who you are, and where you're from, if I've talked to you and shared memories together at any point in my life, you have already taught me what it's like to have friends.

I'm not Mr. Popular nor am I Mr. Smart in anywhere I've been. So, I don't really have much of friends. I'm not lonely too like how some people would see me. I just don't look for people as much. I have this idea not to bug people so much about their lives. Its just annoying i think? Perhaps not. I'll give it a try some other time.

I always believed that each and everyone of us is drawing a line in an infinite imaginary plane. Some of the lines meet eventually somehow, somewhere. While some, run parallel to each other and sadly, never meant to be ever in touch. Maybe if you're reading this, our lines are close to each other and maybe someday we're bound to meet again. I'll be glad if that happens.

I always wonder about those lines that would never meet with mine. Its just so full of possibilities that one of those lines could be your best friend, but sadly we're not destined to meet. If you think about it, you have this idea that all 7 billion of those lines, you're bound to meet one that fits who you are. Interesting how fate, destiny or whatever you call it works. I believe everything happens for a reason and He decides what the reason is.

So be glad of whoever you have as your friend. Though some of them you wish you never met. But whoever that one friend of yours, they do teach you something about friendship.

So, look at the bigger picture! If you don't find someone interesting, you'll have a long way in life to meet more people. Just be nice =)

The Palestinian Issue

The upcoming U.N assembly is one of the most anticipated meetings by all Islamic nation. Why? Because Palestine is trying to upgrade their status.

United Nations have 3 groups of members. The lowest of them is "non-state entity" which is Palestine. It's the only nation that is branded as such. What does that mean? It means you dont have a land and your country doesnt exist. You're a group of people on the face of the Earth that doesnt belong anywhere. So, what does this group of people called Palestine can do in a UN assembly? They have a right to speak and only speak. They cannot vote or suggest a notion. In other words, you only speak when the big boys let you speak. That is the UN permanent security council members. This non-state entity also can't circulate documents, submit proposals, and also speak in debates. Unless allowed to do so.... By the big boys.

The second level of members is "non-state members". Such example is the Holy See which has soverignity over the Vatican city. They are granted a permanent observer status. It means you can do whatever you want like any other nation but you just cant vote on any resolutions. They have every previlige that other member nations have except the voting rights.

The third group is the member states. These groups have the full membership of the UN. It comprises of 193 nations and they get full rights. They vote on 10 non-permanent security council member, vote on any resolution, and vote on the secretary-general of the UN. They also can suggest a notion like "Israel is invading my territory". To gain full membership, you have to get 2/3 majority votes from the existing UN members and also all 5 permanent security council members which are; Russia, China, France, United Kingdom and United States.

President Mahmoud Abbas submitted an official application for a full membership in the UN assembly in 2011 for Palestine but was immediately given warning by The US. They said they will freeze financial aid to Palestine and will veto against the decision even if all 193 UN members and 4 permanent securty council members approved the application. Unfortunately, if US vetoed the decision, it won't be able to pass. Such is the unfairness in this world. Can you even imagine the harm of these small group of people not more than 5 million who barely have enough space for themselves, can do to the United States of whom have nuclear warheads and the strongest military in the world?

The US even threaten the UN to decrease their financial aid to the UN which comprises of 22% of UN's annual budget. What is this? What the hell is UN's function if it's being controlled by a single nation? Whats the point of having UN? Don't they learned from the predecessors of UN? When personal interests exceeds the interests of mankind, thats what happened in League of Nations. A world war broke out.

Sadly, President Mahmoud had to settle for less. That is the second level of membership; the "non-member state". Application for this only need 2/3 majority of UN members. Currently there are 126 states that approved Palestine's status. Even then, Israel and the US is getting nervy and fussy.

When Israel was formed, they don't have any land or a government! But they were given a membership instantly after President Theodore Roosevelt (US president) suggested it. They should have been given the non-state entity status! I also wonder where the hell did the UN have the power to draw International borders. There is no such thing in the UN's charter provisions. Even if the US does so, Palestine should still be a member because part of the agreement was to let the Nation of Israel to be co-existing with the land of Palestine. It means two countries in the same land. Although it was heavily protested by the Arab league, but the UN has no function because any notion was always veto-ed by the US.

In the end, the Arab League had to go for war. It was Egypt and Syria who began first. Followed by Jordan. The rest was technically quiet in the Israel-Arab war. The Americans and their Allies immediately sanctioned all Arab nations. Even if they dont participate in the war because they are afraid if they supply Egypt, Syria and Jordan with military aid and equipments. As a result, it was crippling. Egypt as a military nation saw there is no way they could win the war with the US backing Israel. The tremendous military support that was given to Israel was endless. At the same time, Egypt with frailing economy from the sanctions was struggling to pick up the pace of war. Its a matter of time before Israel will be able to invade Egypt and claim soverignity.

President Anwar Saadat (Egyptian President) saw an opportunity for truce. He finally signed the Peace treaty with Israel and recognizing Israel's existence alongside Palestine. It's the first Arab Nation to have recognized Israel as a nation.

So why am I talking about this? Its a short history of Palestine and Israel, and how Israel along with US robbed Palestine's right and existence. I do not have the power to change the fate of Palestine but Palestine will always be in my prayers. I feel the least I could do is to let other people know about the defect in the UN and the Israel's existence that was fabricated. And also why the Arab nations decided to stop the Israeli war before "we" start to throw blames at them. It would take quite some time to write every single detail of the Palestine Issue in this blog. Maybe if one day I could have all the time in the world to write it. Perhaps we even might be able to come up with a solution after knowing more about the Palestine Issue. I hope you guys learn something here. May Allah be with the Palestinians.

Sorry for the long post. And the bad English.

What if?

The ultimate question  man struggled to answer. What if?

So what exactly is what if? Is it a form of regret? Is it a form of disappointment? There are moments in our life where things went terribly wrong, and we always asked ourselves what if? But sometimes, it might not have to be something so serious. Even trivial stuffs. Saying what if I bought curry puffs instead of a plate of nasi lemak? Often following the question would be the guilt of it. Such as..

What if I bought curry puffs instead of a plate of nasi lemak? I wouldn't be so full and sleepy in lecture.

Hehe. That's just me. My point is, am I regretting? Or am I just trying to fend off the guilt by asking a rhetorical question to myself?

What if?  What if I went to a different school? What if I'm born smarter?

Creating an alternate time dimension, often parallel to the current time might indicate that the reality is not good enough. We try to escape our reality by creating a new us in our imagination. Looking at ourselves, better and improved where everything is about you. YES! YOU! Isn't it nice? The fantasy world never stops to amaze us because it's the perfect world to live in. 

Unfortunately, reality catches up sooner or later. Like it or not, the reality is here and you are in it. Creating a parallel time dimension in your mind doesn't stop it either. It only makes the reality even worse to your eyes. It's like watching a movie. A real good movie. One that you wish it would never end. But once it did, you find your reality is boring, sad to say. It might not apply to all people though, but I bet mostly will. Hence, what if?

I'm just saying, sometimes people want to have a better life. They dreamed of it. Better grades, better car, better home. Of course, our imagination knows no limit. That's the beauty of imagination. But it takes you away from reality.

Accepting reality is a first way to a happier life. Or at least what I think it is. It's hard. I have a hard time to accept reality at times too, but being content with what I have, takes it all to a different level. That is for another day to write about.

My point here, day dreaming is not wrong, neither it is right. It is part of us having imagination. While imagination has no limit, you should know your limit for your imagination. Don't let it suck reality away from you. That's probably why depression is so hard to treat to some people. Be glad! Be glad of your reality because you are not you, if it weren't for the harsh reality of today and the past.

You are special because of what you went through, not what you try to achieve or what you dream to achieve. 

So I leave you guys with this question...Ask yourselves.

What if...?

You're gone too soon :(

When I first heard of you, I didn't know what I'd expect. I never knew we could be so close for too soon. Next thing you know, we're running around together. I still can't believe you're gone.

It really felt like it was yesterday when we share the night together. Each time when we go our separate ways, I'd always ask how you've been doing. Its just too cruel for you to leave so soon. I remember your voice like it's a playlist in my mind. The video of you I took kept playing on my phone, reminiscing all the sweet memories together.

I remember I ran around and you were chasing me like I'm supposed to protect you. You stay close for warmth and comfort and I'm so sad I wasn't there for you. I wish I could see you one more time and walk together. Calling your name and you replied. I didn't know what you were saying but it was cute to me.

I'm just so sorry I wasn't there. I wished I could have protected you. I should have.

People say every meeting will end with a goodbye. I remember the very first time we meet but I couldn't remember how we say goodbye. I never knew that was the last goodbye. They are right. Every meeting ends with a goodbye. But I'd say, we only part to meet again. Till next time Beep-Beep. I will remember you always.


Rest in Peace.

My beloved pet Beep-Beep
(19 Sept 12 - 2 Oct 12)