Kisses for my Father

A year ago :



Pak lan walked into the class with a piece of paper in his hands. He came in and greeted us as we greeted him. He held up the paper and said :



"I want you to do these assignments during your one-month semester break. First assignment, kiss your father in the forehead. Alright, some people might not have the courage to do so, but I'd understand. I, myself couldn't have the courage to kiss my father on the forehead. Only after 10 years I mustered enough courage to do so. However, there was no reaction from him (He chuckled). So, I hope you guys can do it. It's okay if you bail out in the middle of the way. After the holiday, I'll ask each and everyone of you to write about what happened while doing these assignments."



Present day :



Pak Lan entered the class as usual, right on time. He came with a bundle of paper in his hands. Slowly, he called names each and everyone. After that he said :



"This is the essay that I asked you to wrote and I promised that I'd return the essays to their respective owners after a year. And now, I'm keeping my promise. Let me ask you this, do you find it weird to know that you're the one writing this? Would you have enough courage to do the same? Is it what you did was only because of the assignment that I gave to you? Let me give you 10 years and do you think you can the same as you did last year?? It is every father's dream to be kissed by his children. Though he did not express his reaction, but deep down in his heart, he'd feel all the things that he done was worthwhile."



Deep down in my heart, I was thinking. I think it's about time that I tell everyone what happened during the 7th of November till 13th of November. I was absent from college for a week(the week before exams). It's the least that I could do after hiding the truth from everyone.

My dad had this business trip in Laos. He was supposed to be there for just 3 days. I remembered the evening that I called him before his flight depart. We talked and I told him have a safe journey....What I wasn't aware was it could be my last talk with him....

After the third day, he returned to Malaysia. Within 2 hours after reaching home, he got hospitalised immediately. He got pneumonia, pulmonary oedema, lung infection and a major heart attack. He had only minutes left if we weren't hurry...I never stop blaming myself...And I can't find the reason...And till today I'm still blaming myself for it....

I remembered as my father was in the Emergency Room, my mom was sobbing and I couldn't help but to shed tears as well. My dad was half-dying, and my mom couldn't accept that fact. I never stop blaming myself....for not able to do anything...

The doctor is a close friend of mine. She told me that they need to be quick if my father was going to be saved...My dad was immediately warded in the ICU.

That night my world was dark. To tell you the truth, I wasn't afraid of death anymore. I was more afraid of the death of my loved ones rather than the death of my own. Dying seems a lot easier than facing what I had to faced....The uncertainties of the future...

I remembered clearly that as I walked into the ICU room and found my father unconcious....I cried my heart out in front of my mom and my brother. It was the first time ever I cried that hard....It was the first time they saw me crying....I couldn't help it to see my father lying so lifeless on the hospital bed.

I called out his name and there was no reaction. No noding...No shaking...not even a blink....

I walked to his side and bent over to kiss him over the forehead and said "I love you Daddy...Please come back...I need you now more than ever....I need your guidance to guide our family...I need you! Don't go just yet. There's so much I need to talk to you....You promised you'd come back....Please DON'T GO..."

My tears dropped onto his cheek....Somehow, I felt so desperate....I'd sacrifice anything to be with him again....

I returned to KMS because of the 3rd semester exam and it was his 11th day in ICU. I was devastated. I had to return because of the exam but I knew that I never wanted to be away from my family...Not at times like this...

As I step my foot at Gate B, I looked up in the sky and prayed to Allah give me the strength that I needed.

Tomorrow is biology paper. Books laid in front of me but my attention was far away at home. How can I answer tomorrow's paper when my heart is at home??

Suddenly, there was a buzz. My phone vibrated and the screen says "Mummy"..

Cold blood rushed to my face. Chilly fingers dance along my spine....

"Please don't let anything happen" I muttered....

A faint and distinct voice was in the phone....I knew that voice eversince I was a baby. It was my dad's.

I was rejoiced. No words can describe it. Though we could not talk much but I remember a line said by him...

"I fight in a battle for my life, and you fight in a battle for your future. Together we'll win the war"

Somehow those words inspired me and burned me with spirit and hope. I was determined to nail this semester exam eventhough I only had 4 hours every night to study. It was more than enough I told myself that time. I don't even know who am I....It was like a whole different person.

And so, semester 3 ended with 40 points. An achievement that I'd never thought I'd be able to get. I struggled hard to get 39 points in sem 2, but somehow that 4 hours was like a month's preparation.....

Do you know the joy when I told my dad about my semester 3 results? Why is it different from the other sems? Its because I nearly lost someone I hold very dear of. Somehow, I managed to lead my family in times of crisis.....and I still able to make them proud. I want to make my very existence worthwhile to them. I want them to feel proud of me, no matter where they are, or what will be...

Nobody knows how much tears I have shed while writing this post. Nobody will ever understand what it felt when you almost lost someone you hold dear. Perhaps only those who've been through these would understand.

I salute to all fathers in the world today and for the days to come for I had the chance to be like one for a few days. I led my family through times of crisis just as all fathers would do for their family. All this while I thought mothers are the most important person in a family but it turns out fathers are equally important as well.

Sometimes women says nasty things about men, but they had never been through what I've been through. They wouldn't know. They wouldn't know how important men in a family. How men would create order from chaos....How men had to stay calm and show no fear to their families when everything around them is not right...How men would have to be firm and steady when everything is crumbling around them.... So, in the end, I can only chuckle at their foolishness. Silence doesn't mean I'm stupid....

What happened to my father also taught me about hope. I once had the idea that once you're hoping, you put a halt to your efforts and starts to put rely on something else such as miracles to make things happen...

But I realise now the true meaning of hope...

"Hope is not a resignation of mind, but rather a state of mind to gain strength on whatever that we have left, whatever that had happened, whatever that is going to happen. Hope is a way to be free from fear. A man musn't give up hope but rather rely on hope to obtain the best of strengths to be free of fear"

I've learned to hope again...